she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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