they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
