Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
