im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just high enough for therapy.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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