My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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