he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I wish there were birth control emojis
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Who died my cat blue again?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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