I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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