Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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