Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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