I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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