oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
