i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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