There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
