At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
