your thong is hanging out like whoa
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
