honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
