new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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