Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
