I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
