he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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