did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
