Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
