I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
