I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
