its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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