I murdered the dance floor call the cops
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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