the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
