Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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