just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
