3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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