is wine microwaveable?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
