On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
