Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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