My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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