HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
