Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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