ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
