i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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