I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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