I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
