I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
