There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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