when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
