I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
