My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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