finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
