i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
