Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
