Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
