I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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